I wanted to share a moment when a CEO’s setback revealed a hidden choice every leader faces: amplify the pain or find the opportunity.
I was sitting across from Phil, a CEO who had just lost a major client. His shoulders sagged, and his eyes were fixed on the conference table between us.
“They chose our competitor,” he said quietly. “It’s a huge loss. I can’t believe I let this happen.”
I shared a Buddhist teaching about the two darts. The first dart is pain — life’s inevitable difficulties: setbacks, failures, disappointments. The dart lands and it hurts. The second dart, however, is the suffering we add by replaying the event, attaching blame, or spinning stories about what it means about us. The first dart is unavoidable. The second dart is optional.
I asked Phil what that might look like in his situation.
He thought for a moment. “The first dart is losing the client. That’s real. That hurts.”
“And the second dart?” I prompted.
He exhaled. “Telling myself I’m a failure. Worrying that the board will lose confidence in me. Imagining our competitors celebrating at my expense.”
We sat with his answer for a moment. Then I asked, “Given that distinction, where’s the opportunity?”
Second darts are often poisoned with shame, blame, or fear — stories that keep leaders stuck instead of moving forward. By noticing them, we create the space to shift our focus back to what matters.
Slowly, Phil’s posture changed. He began asking different questions: What can we learn from this? What’s within our control? How do we prevent this from happening again?
In corporate life, the second dart often does more damage than the first. A leader receives tough feedback and then spends weeks doubting their worth. A team misses a deadline and then compounds the setback by turning on each other. The first dart is a reality to address. The second dart is a narrative that paralyzes.
That is the power of the two darts in business. The first dart hurts, but it is finite. The second dart, if left unchecked, can bleed an organization of creativity, confidence, engagement, and resilience.
As leaders, we cannot shield ourselves or our teams from the sting of the first dart. But we can cultivate awareness to stop throwing the second one. And in that space between pain and suffering, we find clarity, renewed focus, and the capacity to lead forward.
Call to Action:
The next time you face a setback, pause and ask yourself: What’s the first dart here? And what second dart am I throwing at myself or my team? If you can name the difference, you can choose your opportunity — to learn, to lead, and to move forward with clarity.
